Regretting Regret (or something along those lines)

I’ve been trying to live life without regret for a few years now. I think it might have finally caught up with me. It has taken an odd twist of circumstance, but to quote the infamous V: “I ,like God, do not play at dice, nor do I believe in coincidence.” So circumstances have led me to conclude that perhaps Regret is not Anathema, but a desire to be more than the sum of our failures and inadequacies. A continuing quest for a ‘pure’ experience however unattainable it might be for man. That no matter how deep you bury emotion or suspicion (I can bury both VERY deep), it WILL come to you and you WILL face the reaction and results. Not in an ethereal “judgement day” sometime/where, but a very real evocation of feeling and an internal reckoning of what has transpired and why. You will never be able to grow past any actions you’ve buried until you’ve faced them full on and acknowledged the impact and import of each and every one. (and by “you” I mean “I” of course)


The Past can be a knife
Slicing at your present
Hemorrhaging your future

The Past can be a net
Holding you rooted
Restraining you with fear

The Past can be an altar
Stealing your first-stillborn
Burning your Dreams

The Past can be a treasure
Lighting your now
Providing for your then

The Past can be a many things
It is Anathema
It is Life
It is lens you look through
To see the world you’ve made

Changing Perspectives

“Was that Evanescence? That last song you played.” “Yeah, why?”
“Do you think they’re a Christian band?” “Are you serious? No, of course not.”
“Than why did you play them tonght? Is it a good idea for youth group?”
“You can’t learn from them?”
“A non-Christian band?”
“You can’t learn from other’s mistakes?” “Well, I guess…”

This conversation actually happened last Thursday between myself and a couple of the youth here. I had actually only played about a quarter of the song. I stopped it way earlier than I originally intended to. Gave the excuse that I forgot the lyrics. What I actually realized was that the song (The Only One… Trk. 10) was really a challenge to myself and people like me. People coming out of the “safe” places that they grew up in. No, I’m not talking about leaving the CONUS, or walking around downtown Kabul by myself. (Afghans find it just short of amazing that I do that… “I am Pasqinelle, and I come to you unafraid”) As fun as those activities are I’m really talking about ideas, actions, beliefs, people, perspectives, and acceptance/non-acceptance of those things that are different. Even, finding new and challenging sources for living and learning.

The CD in question at the youth group was the newest Evanescence album, “The Open Door.” It seems that it is a mirror of my experiences, not always literally, but enough so that it’s eerie. Over the last few years I’ve come a long ways and even though I’m on the other side of the world, I’m not talking about distance. Emotionally (yeah, guys have emotions), professionally, and theologically, I’ve been up and down quite a bit. Seems more down than up, but I learn more when I’m down anyway. I usually prefer a healthy dose of dark realism, than a sunny pretend fakeness. “Question everything,” and “Never do anything the easy way.” Are two of my life creeds. So I have been… questioning, learning. And never easily. Always in the middle of some kind of discussion or trying to figure something out halfway round the world. Or while in a factory in Norman dumping powder down a hole or cruising on a forklift. Apparently I’ve been fairly “successful” as I’ve been having quite a few discussions like the above and usually when I think it’s a no-brainer or that something is “obvious.” Disconcerting and thought provoking at the same time, because it leads me to ask: is there an occasion when I need to find a new place to think/act on my ideas, a “last straw” event that breaks me or someone around me? Or do I stay where I am and attempt to integrate the “new” thoughts and processes I’m involved in with people and activities that are perhaps wholly unfamiliar with where I’ve been and where I’m going, even though we seem to be headed in the same direction (and who might oppose new ideas on general principle)? I suppose this is a place that many people before have come and I wonder what has become of them. Some survived, I hope, others have continued true to their own path and have quite definitely died on it.

“I long to be like you, lie cold in the ground like you… There’s room inside for two, I’m not grieving for you, I’m coming for you. You’re not alone, no matter what they told you, you’re not alone, I’ll be right beside you forever…” – Evanescence.

Hope your new year is like the Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times." I'm pretty sure mine will be...